After my last Instagram post, my press agent has been fielding a ton of inquiries. The media seems to be positioning me to become the next Sir Richard Attenborough. Apparently, the BBC is interested in doing a nature series with me called, Planet Birdbrain. My discovery of colorful striped zebras in the northern part of Oregon might make for a good first episode. Kane’s Yarn Theory is sure to be Must See TV.
Muskox
Because of my vast animal knowledge, I’m often asked to write papers for the Audobon Society and National Geographic. Some of my findings are so game changing that I occasionally turn the world of zoology on its head. Take for instance my discovery of a certain type of muskox that is able to grow an actual sweater out of its own hair and fur. When the weather begins to warm, they shed the sweater. Researchers looking for fossil remains in the artic were confused at finding so many sweaters thawing in the ice. I’m happy to have solved their mystery.
Orthus
Orthus, in Greek mythology, was a two-headed guard dog. Most people don’t know Zeus was a great cook. He was the first to make stuffed grape leaves. I may give a Ted Talk on Greek mythology.
Costco Chicken Torture
I went to a Costco once. Buying 40 rolls of paper towels and 5-gallon jars of pickles was not for me. You may have heard this week about how badly chickens are treated at their poultry plants in order to sell their customers the famous Costco $4.99 rotisserie chicken. Mercy for Animals snuck someone in undercover to work there. The horrid conditions they documented included, chickens struggling to walk under their own unnatural weight. Bodies burned bare from ammonia-laden litter. Dead days-old chicks. Piles of rotting birds. Living on their own feces, with no fresh air and no natural light. When you have to pump out 100 million of these a year, you tend to cut corners. But hey, what’s a little torture if you can get a really cheap chicken dinner. Just don’t read any of the news stories about it and you’ll be fine.
Red Antlered Moose
The red antlered moose is very rare to spot, especially in Brooklyn. They like to hang out near lighthouses. I’m surprised National Geo never writes about them. For nonbelievers, there is a Red Antler Pale Ale which adds credence to my post. City folk learn a lot about nature following me on Instagram.
Podcast
There is a podcast called Thumbnail, hosted by artists, Lewis Rosignol and Joe Rosshirt. Thumbnail is a term that describes small sketches done quickly to show ideas. Their most recent podcast is with me. If listening to the ramblings of an inarticulate fool is your cup of tea, then you should give a listen. If you don’t want to hear me that’s understandable. Their other episodes are about trying to make a living as an illustrator. They get into subjects like promotion, dealing with clients, how much to charge people, how to find freelance assignments, affording a studio, and other stressful topics related to being an artist type. You could bypass my episode and listen to some others. Several episodes discuss how to transition from art college to starting out making a living as an artist. So, if you know any young artists starting out, they might be interested in some episodes.
WTF
Sometimes when I draw, I don’t know what I’m doing. Take this one for instance. I began doodling and after a while this appeared on my sketchbook page. Not sure how the hell I got there. I just went along for the ride.
Italy
For my seventh Vircation Drawing I arrived in Boccadasse, Italy. I’m visually fascinated with these towns whose buildings seem like lava flowing into the ocean. At first glance, you wonder if eventually everything will finally slide into the sea and be swallowed up. The different earth color tones are pulled together by the structures all having the same green colored shudders. Not only a paradise to visit but a paradise for the eyes too.
Egypt
For my sixth Vircation Drawing I flew to Cairo. I love the hustle and bustle on the dusty streets. My favorite kind of street on earth is one where there happens to be a famous tourist attraction looming at the end of the block. These kinds of streets are very rare. This Cairo street has one of the great Pyramids of Giza towering over the aprtments. It is my dream to wake up one morning and take my cup of tea and to walk out onto my balcony in my underwear and be able to look over the Colosseum or the Parthenon. I loved drawing on the street in Paris with the Eiffel Tower sitting on top of the apartment buildings. No other feeling like it. I guess the people living there get bored of seeing the same thing everyday. I’m not sure I would ever get over it.
Copenhagen
For my fifth Vircation Drawing I flew to Copenhagen. Besides drawing, I rode around on a bicycle to get from place to place. I love biking around with my camouflage knapsack full of art supplies. It’s a great way to discover something visually interesting to draw. Then I do the old park and sketch. Afterwards, I go to a vegan eatery for a well deserved meal to celebrate my newly created art piece. One can always find a vegan place to dine using the Happy Cow app. This is not a paid endorsement. I’m just letting you know how I find a vegan joint in the middle of Copenhagen even though it’s my first time there and I don’t know where the hell I am.
Kiev
Next, I pretended to fly to Kiev in Ukraine and there I did my third VIRTUCATION ILLUSTRATION. This St. Andrew’s Church constructed in the 1700s. As I was drawing the onion domes, I began to lose count of them. Unable to stop sketching onion domes, I decided to give in and fit in as many as possible onto my page. I found myself caught in an onion dome vortex which is a very rare urban sketching phenomenon. The virtual tourists watching me couldn’t believe their eyes. Thinking I might be a daffy individual, they backed away slowly and quietly moved on to their next tourist attraction.
Taj Mahal
The other day I was talking to my artist friend, Sue Rose. She told me she liked my Vircation Drawings. It was as if she bonked me on the head with a rubber mallet. I had called my fake vacation sketches, Virtucation Illustrations, but Sue shortened it by about 20 syllables. She does this kind of thing subconsciously. VIRCATION DRAWINGS is a far superior title. So thank you for fixing that. By the way, this is a Vircation Drawing I did while wandering around the streets of Agra. They have some really great vegan food there.
Fashionable Paris
This is my second VIRTUCATION ILLUSTRATION in Paris. It focuses on the elegant architecture. For some reason whenever I draw on the street, I always attract the attention of beautiful fashion models. I’m like a magnet. They seem to appear from nowhere. There’s always a lot of hovering to observe my sketching. It’s something I’ve always had to deal with. I ignore as much as humanly possible, mostly because it takes so much concentration to draw. I’ll be the first to say that I was shocked that it even happened while I was drawing virtually too.
